last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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