she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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