I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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