just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
