Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
