tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
