My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
True college students do jello shots in the library
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