i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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