im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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