you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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