my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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