After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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