I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
