Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
