He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
