There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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