Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
