I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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