No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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