the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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