You smell like a Billy Joel song
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
