Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
