Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
