wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
