Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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