actually, I'm a sock model
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
