i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
