i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
