I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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