How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
