shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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