I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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