When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
