the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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