Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
