i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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