nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Please don't give away my fajitas
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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