So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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