the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My vagina just recognized that song.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
