The maid of honor just puked.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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