In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I want to fling myself into the sun
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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