I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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