i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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