I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
