Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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