Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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