News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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