Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
