I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
