Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Alive.
So much puke
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
