she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
