I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
