Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
