I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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