Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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