i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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