I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I have aggressive nipples.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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