Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
