brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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