drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
