mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
