Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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