I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
