not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
